S.L.O.P.

I have a friend – let’s call him “Ben” – who had a girlfriend that gained 40 pounds in two months.

Now, Ben is a good guy, but he’s not a fucking philanthropist, so he dumped her.

“She was hot. Then she stopped being hot,” he explained, shaking his head over a Guinness.

Before anyone starts to throw around words like “shallow” or “douchebag,” I'd like to lend some perspective about the kind of transformation we are talking about by listing some things that weigh 40 pounds:

· Katy - the world's fattest cat
· 40 pounds of butter
· A 5-year-old child
· Kate Moss
· A pair of blue whale testicles (they average 22 lbs each. I googled.)
· J-Lo’s ass

Ben is the victim here. He met a girl, fell for her, moved in with her, and invested time, energy, and money in their relationship – all at the greater cost of opportunity. He walked her dog in January, bought her presents, watched Matthew McConaughey romantic comedies with her, and possibly told her idiotic nothings like “I missed you today” and “I’m so lucky to have you.”

He did these things, the small gestures and big sacrifices, for the 125 pound Coke bottle she was in February – not the 165 pound walking muffin top she became by April. Not her + a pair of whale testicles.

In two months, she had significantly altered the original product by increasing almost 33% in size, and Ben is completely justified in breaking up with her to find someone more sustainably attractive.

Muffin Top is just one of many women who succumbed to what experts call the Steady Lay Obesity Paradigm – or S.L.O.P.

Often, when women are in committed relationships, they are less attractive than when they were single. Here is what happens:

There are two ways to avoid the cycle:

1. Never care about the way you look—while diminishing your chances of finding a man, you can be assured that any man who loves you loves you for your soul.


2. Don’t let yourself go—don’t let laziness, complacency, your boyfriend’s eating habits, moving to the suburbs, or the hundred other excuses make you stop caring about the way you look.

Here's another picture of a fat cat.