Shameless 2009

I Match.com-stalked somebody yesterday, because I had exhausted all Facebook-stalking possibilities. I had scrolled through the 52 pictures he had, his wall posts for the past 6 months, the groups he belonged to, and checked out his cute female friends - and still I was hungry for more.

These are the things we do, right? When we have a crush that won’t go away, or a love that’s unrequited, or if we have too much time on our hands. I had found a new source to feed my voyeuristic appetite, and I wasn’t above indulging.

In order to search for people, you had to create a screen name. I made mine Stalker2009 - I figured if I was going to act psycho, might as well be honest about it.

I had been on Match.com before, briefly, and depending on who you talked to, successfully. So I knew the ropes - I knew about search parameters, sorting, key words, etc. - except none of it was much help since I practically knew nothing about him.

I knew that a) he was on Match, b) he was 28-30 years old, c) what he did for a living, and d) that he lived in northwest DC. So I inputted the information, and about a million lawyers in their late-twenties showed up. Now if you think that discouraged me, then you don’t know about me, or the nature of obsession, or have never gotten buzzed off of a half-bottle of wine.

I refill my glass of Pinot and proceed to go through all 32 pages of men.

About the fourth page or so, I got distracted when I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s profile. I hadn’t known he was on Match, but it’s not surprising since that’s how we met. His profile was just as I remembered it, except for one new detail - he mentions an active volcano that we had seen together.

Maybe I could have mustered up more indignation, but I had gushed about that very volcano to some dude at Stetsons about a week ago. People have got to do what they got to do to move on, and that volcano was pretty fucking awesome.

Anyhoo, I soldiered on, and after flipping through three more pages of smiling guys, I saw him. I was familiar with his profile picture as it’s one I had admired from his Facebook. I devoured everything on there. I know now that he loves nature, his favorite author is Vonnegut, he has a big dog, he works out 3 times a week, has been to China, is awful at snowboarding but loves it anyway, and that he likes women who are self aware. I hoarded these little tidbits, pried myself away from the computer, and got ready for bed.

Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard, but that’s frankly nothing new for me. And what will you bet, that next time I see him, I’ll talk to him about my big dog.